Fraught with Danger: Friendships between Single and Married People

(crosspost from WeUsed2bu)

If you want to see a great example of why a married person should not be close friends with a single person of the opposite sex, then go rent “Not Easily Broken,” a movie based on the novel by the Bishop T.D. Jakes. It’s the story of a couple who, though seemingly content to be married, are actually pursuing very different goals in their individual lives. When trouble comes, the wife chooses the advice of her overbearing mother, while the husband is drawn to the admiration of the mother of one of the boys on his little league team. Their friendship becomes one of mutual support and, eventually, attraction. That attraction, created by the emotional dependency on each other, brings them to the edge of temptation, a place that neither expected they would end up.

Friendships between married and single individuals of the opposite sex are fraught with danger. While it’s often easy to spot a person who is just looking for something on the side, it can be much harder to discern the invisible line between “friends,” the point where brotherly kindness stops and emotional intimacy starts. All of us, whether married or single, have the responsibility to guard our hearts and make sure that we stay on a course of integrity (Prov. 4:23). God’s word is faithful, as always, to give instructions about how we can keep our friendships above reproach and out of the danger zone. His wisdom should govern all of our friendships (Prov. 7:4-5, 16:22, 27:12).

For married women, our spouses should be our first and best friends. Think back for a moment to your wedding vows. All the promises were made with the intention of “forsaking all others.” Every earthly relationship in a married woman’s life should be secondary to the one she has with her husband. Does that seem impractical (or impossible)? Proverbs 18:24 says, “There are ‘friends’ who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.” That word “sticks” in the original Hebrew is the same word for “cleaves,” the term that is used in Genesis 2:24 to describe how two married people are joined in the spirit by the Holy Spirit. Our cleaved one, our spouse, should be our closest friend, since we are of one spirit with them. No one else, especially of the opposite sex, should be allowed into that level of intimacy.

When it comes to friendships with singles, a married woman must be wise in speech and conduct. Our words must never give the impression of flattery or seduction to a single person, nor should our behavior ever entice them to sin (Pr. 7:21, Rom. 14:13). Conversations with others should be wholesome, clear and plain, wise and helpful, and free from perversity or corruption (Pr. 8:8-9, 4:24, 10:31-32). When the talk gets personal—if it leads to sharing negative thoughts or feelings about our spouses, or revealing the desires of our hearts, we open ourselves up to an emotional dependency on someone besides our husbands. We can’t allow our feelings to drive us down any road that puts any distance between us and them. How many times have the excuses been made:

“It’s just lunch. We’re coworkers. There’s nothing wrong with it.”
“I’ve been friends with that person forever. Why do I have to give that up? It’s harmless.”
“He’s a Christian guy, totally respectable. Neither of us would ever act like that.”

God knows we’re human. That’s why He warns us in Proverbs 27:12, “A prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions; the simpleton goes on blindly and suffers the consequences,” and again in I Corinthians 10:12, “If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall. The temptations in your life are no different than what others experience.” It’s easy to find excuses to compromise or justify our behavior; it’s hard to win back the esteem of others when we’ve failed to avoid the appearance of sin or, worse, actually fallen into it by allowing a friendship to cross the line (I Thess. 5:22, Prov. 18:19).

A wife’s actions should always be a blessing to her husband, doing him good and enriching his life, and never causing him shame by something she said or did (Pr. 6:34, 12:4, 31:10-12). To put a “friendship” with another man between a husband and wife is to provoke him to jealousy and cause rottenness in his bones. This is not to say that Christians can’t be friends with other believers of the opposite sex. It’s great to have fellowship with brothers and sisters in Christ when it is governed and controlled by the Holy Spirit, and full of accountability (Gal. 3:28, Heb. 10:24-25). So there’s no one-on-one lunches, no inappropriate conversations—it’s all out in the open. And it never takes the place of our “friend that sticks closer than a brother,” even a brother (or sister) in Christ.

No one else can be the friend that we can be to our husbands, since we were created to give them help and comfort, as their treasure and favor from God (Gen. 2:18, 24:67, Pr. 18:22, Eccl. 9:9). If we understand the unique position we have in our husbands’ lives, then we see how important “forsaking all others” really is. It may not always be easy, especially if our desire to shop and scrapbook conflicts with their desire for sports and, well, more sports. But, as Jesus said in John 15:13, “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” Certainly, of all people on earth, our husbands should be that first friend we lay down our lives for. May the Lord give us the wisdom, patience, and love we need to be that kind of friend, and the grace to do it.