Bitterness

Crosspost from WeUsed2bu (Weusedtobeyou.com)

Did you ever have one of those days, or weeks, or even years, where it so often felt like a never-ending season of difficulty? Every time you turned around, it seemed like you ran into the next “something else” or “what now?!”, a new manifestation of pain or heartache that wrought turmoil and brought your nerves to the brink. That was the way the last few days have felt for me. I fought with someone I love dearly, was mocked by someone I despise, lost my cool, lost my strength, and lost sight of the bigger picture. I failed and flailed, cursed and cried, and for all of that, I was able to change nothing. But in acknowledging my powerlessness, I found hope, because God is changing me.
In my life, I have seen that I have a tendency to be angry and bitter. Some people can deal with conflict or sorrow differently than I can. They can be rational, whereas I’ve raged at others or retreated into myself, both of which are terribly unhealthy emotional responses. I take criticism too personally, I hold onto hurts, and I can’t stand injustice in the world. All of these things, when bottled up in my soul, create a wall that keeps me from reaching out to others for fear of being judged, offended, or rejected. The result is isolation, fear, false pride, and a joyless life. When I shut others out, disregarding their worth and my need for fellowship, I find myself alone, separated from love by an unwillingness to invest myself and potentially lose whatever pitiful ground I think I’ve gained in my life by forcing others out of my space. It’s a pretty lonely way to live, and it’s not what God has in mind for any of His children. He wants His family all together, joined in fellowship and rejoicing in His grace and salvation. As my brother once wisely reminded me, no follower of Christ should be their own island.
I have to say, now that I’ve been walking with the Lord for some time, He has been faithful to draw me out of my self-pity and set me on my feet, even if He has to light a little fire to get me started. After one particularly bad afternoon this week, I came home and went straight to bed, barely noticing my family and feeling really low and lost. I must have lain there for almost three hours, trying to work through my mental mess, when I started hearing a noise on the window behind me. Then I noticed a few bugs flying around. I was just starting to wonder what that crawling feeling was when I felt something bite me on my neck. I sat up to see little crawling bugs on my blanket, pillow, curtains, windowsill—they were landing on the bed and shedding their wings all over the place. Needless to say, it got me out of bed in a hurry! Turns out the bugs were termites crawling out of the attic through a tiny hole in the ceiling. So now, not only was my mood rotten, apparently so is the wood somewhere in my roof.
The irony of the situation is that those bugs have probably been there for years. The exterminator who came to my house explained that termites make colonies and it’s not until they need more room do they actually start pushing out and looking for a new home. It was just like my bitterness. It stayed hidden, unchecked, eating away at my fortitude and weakening my foundation. Then when I was confronted with a trial, I came apart at the seams. Instead of being diligent in searching out the negative emotions I felt, and entrusting them moment by moment to God, I fostered them with justification and even protection, because I convinced myself I was entitled to be angry. Sadly, that bitterness has spread to others who are close to me, because they want to empathize with me in the hopes of making me feel better. They take my side and in turn, they too become bitter and resentful. What a terrible cycle I have created!
So now my house probably needs to be tented, which will show the whole neighborhood that we have bugs. It’s costly and inconvenient, but it will kill the termites before they do any more damage. But what about me? What treatment is prescribed to get rid of my anger and bitterness? The answer is in God’s word. Ephesians 4:31 is very clear, “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” I am not entitled to be angry, much less bitter, towards those who have offended me. Rather, I have to choose forgiveness, kindness, and even allow my heart to be softened towards them. Hebrews 12:14-15 explains what will happen if I will do this, and also what happens if I don’t. It says, “Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled.” I can either choose to give others grace, and keep my peace, both literally and spiritually, or I can be bitter, which will keep me from abiding in Christ, and will cause others to fall into sin.
So it comes down to a choice—do I want to imitate Christ, or do I want to ignore His example? Personally, I’m way too thankful for His grace and mercy to turn my back on His will for my life. Like it says in Luke 7:47, I’ve been forgiven much, so I had better love much as well. I can love others by extending God’s mercy to them, and I can love myself by letting the Lord heal my wounded soul. It really is a win-win situation, because when we choose not to be bitter, we leave the door open to the possibility of restored relationships, which brings glory to God. So as I confess my bitterness and allow the Lord to work, I trust Him to bring back to me those with whom I should be in fellowship. I just ask of the Lord one thing—I really hope it’s not the bugs.